Khrystina-Lee's Blog

I’ve been keeping close record of all the dreams that I can remember very vividly. Sometimes I would wake up from a dream I had about Alex not really remembering what it was but I could almost feel his presence in the room. You ever felt that way after having a dream about someone close to you? Here are dreams 14-18.

Dream #14: Cleaning His Temple

We are in a new apartment now, laughing and having a good time around the dinner table. Alex looks 19 again and almost childlike with rosy red cheeks and an innocent smile and giggle. All of a sudden the focus changes and he is 22, sad and frustrated. My dad is sitting next to Alex as he begins to choke on something. My dad smacks Alex’s back 3 times and he throws up a bunch of junk food (BBQ potato chips to be exact). When you felt better my dad got up and left.

Dream #15: Alex is a Girl?!

Alex and I are engaged but he will not talk to me, let alone have anything to do with me. I find myself walking through a drug store trying to find him and end up talking to a very pretty girl with long brown hair and wearing a blue fuzzy sweater. I see my friend Ellen from high school walking down an aisle as I follow this other girl out trying to get her attention and talk to her, she will have nothing to do with me. We are walking in a parking lot and it’s dark outside and I continue to ask her, “Why won’t you let me touch you?” as I try to hold her hand. “Because I don’t like you!” She said. “Then why did you agree to marry me?” I asked in frustration. She retorts, “Because it’s like you said, ‘Love will come in good time and healing’ I am learning to trust you again.” I was talking to her as if she was Alex!

Dream #16: The Dirty Laundry

I was in Alex’s room and he handed me a pile of clothes to wash and then asked me to leave. I saw him later with my co-worker Kylie; the both had the same colour hair as me and liked each other! I felt a pang of jealousy as I saw them undressing and getting ready to take a shower together. When I saw her leave I walked into his room and in the dim light from the bathroom I saw how messy his room was. Piles of clothes everywhere! On the floor and scattered, hanging off his bed and several piles leading into the bathroom. I turned around and saw him standing in the doorway of his room. “What are you doing here?” He asked. “Came to say, ‘HI’” I said. Alex walked up to me and gave me a big hug, just fell into me like he used to and moaned and sighed like he hadn’t been hugged in a while. “I missed you,” he said. “I missed you too,” I say back. “I’m sorry.” He says. “It’s OK,” I say still holding him. “I have a job now. Don’t tell anybody, but I work at M’s.” he said seeming ashamed.

Apparently “M’s” was a really crappy diner that he was waiting at, when he said where he was working I got a small picture of a dingy middle of nowhere diner and he was bashful at admitting he was working food service. Later I found myself hiding behind some bushes as I watched him and Kylie sitting in a hot tub with some friends. And then I said to myself, well, he doesn’t have his arm around her…

Dream #17: Sammy and the California King

We were laying in a bed, a very large bed and we were cuddling and laughing. Then my friend Sammy showed up and he began to rub her feet.

Dream #18: The Snowy Backyard and My Red Hair

I went onto my facebook again to check Alex’s profile and saw his picture had changed again! His hair was the same colour red as mine and much longer. I decided to look at his pictures and saw a bunch of new photos that had been taken at his new house.  Still wearing his black beanie hat, baggy dark blue jeans and black thick rimmed glasses, but he had on a yellow shirt and red hair! But he was not smiling, everyone seemed to be having fun in the backyard of the house but him. Still the straight stoic face and stale voice when he spoke…if he spoke at all. And there was snow on the ground…funny this is, I had this dream a week before it began to snow here.

Dream#11:

Alex is in a new apartment with new people. The whole place is white, clean, sparkling! We talk briefly and he leaves for work. I make myself some ravioli from a can and then proceed to dig through his drawers for a t-shirt. All his shirts have changed from blacks, reds and dark blues to yellow, bright green and white with pastel pictures and words. Alex never wears band shirts or t-shirts with goofy writing, he’s a changed man. He came home and brought me out of the bed room to show me the mess I made in the kitchen and forgot to clean up. All of a sudden we are back in the bedroom having sex and in the middle of throws he looks at me and says, “If I don’t get married now, Dan and I never will.” I look back at him and ask, “Are you proposing?” “Yes, will you marry me?” he clarifies and I say, “In a heartbeat.” He throws me off him and grabs his phone. As he is calling his dad I see him wearing a heavy jeweled crown, several gold necklaces and ruby rings. I walk out to the kitchen and see two older women standing by the sink talking and laughing, I join them. Alex joins us quickly and says, “My dad said he has clothes for me when I become a dad.”

Dream #12:

I looked at Alex’s facebook and his profile picture had changed. All I could see was his chest and lap, he was wearing a bright yellow shirt and a seatbelt.

Dream #13:

I walked into a house and Alex’s parents were standing at the bottom of a staircase. They welcomed me inside with smiles and warm eyes, unfortunately the staircase was blocked off by caution tape. No one was allowed upstairs. I looked at his parents and then I looked above me and saw Alex staring down at me and then run off. He was wearing his orange and grey striped sweater. I ducked under the caution tape and run up the stairs to chase him down. When I finally caught up to him I turned him around and shook him by the shoulders saying, “Where have you been?” He back up and said, “What are you doing here? I told you I needed space!”

Dream #9:

I met up with some mutual friends between Alex and I, only thing is I have never seen these people before! They were trying to call him to ask him if it was OK that I show up at the party. “I’ve left several messages and he hasn’t called back,” the first guy said. We met up with my friend Jennifer and she was going so we figured it would be OK if I went. The dream shifts and Alex is no longer living with Aaron, Ramon, and Joe; instead he is back at the Lenora Dorms. It’s a gigantic studio with four people and Alex is the only boy. There are four beds, one against each wall and posters pinned up everywhere. He is still not talking to me, just pacing around the room back and forth from the bed to the bathroom to his chest of drawers. Alex finally sits down on the bed as I play with his new black puppy and rub his belly. Alex gazes at me with his clear powder blues in the same adoring manner he used to.

Dream #10:

Two men were fighting over me, one blond and one eastern Indian. I was drawn more toward the blond boy at first, his name was Audrey, and when I figured out he had no real interest in me I swayed more toward the eastern boy. We went to some competition on the beach for couples. I sat down on the beach blanket with him and began to talk about love when I suddenly decided to play with my iPOD and check my e-mail. Scrolling through my e-mail I saw a Facebook message from Alex. I opened it and the first line read, It’s not because I’m uncomfortable. It’s because I still love you. When I tried to read the rest of the message the letters became blurred and/or scrambled. When I looked up from my iPOD Alex was standing front of me; same stoic look and his hands in his pockets. I walked over to him, took his hand and we talked away staring into each other’s faces.

The dream shifts and we are walking on a dirt road toward an old manor, but we are not alone. A girl is with us, she is not very attractive, frizzy curly brown hair and very plain. We are walking around the court yard and looking at the horse stables. I say twice how strange this place feels, “Something happened here,” I keep saying. I see a wooden door that leads to the back of the manor. We walk through and find a patio and garden surrounded by an iron fence that overlooks the valley. There is a telescope to peer through so you can see between the tall trees and look past the vast green field toward the mountains. We walk along the patio and look in the big white windows and see an old couple sitting at a table eating breakfast. The three of us walk inside and find to our left is a diner and right in front of us is a lobby; the manor is a hotel. The lobby was full of couches of all colours and sizes. Alex and I are drawn to a 70’s style couch with wooden arms, rattan back and mustard yellow cushions. There are little yellow flowers connected to green vines and leaves delicately painted on the arms of the couch and I run my finger across them. Then I turn to Alex and say, “You know what you have to do now don’t you.” Alex stares a head and says, “Yep, I have to choose you or her.” “Yep,” I say. Alex looks at his feet and then at me and says, “I choose you.”

We get up and begin to walk out, but when I turn around after leaving the house I am alone. I stare at the door and see it begin to rattle, the door seems to be locked from the outside! The door continues to rattle violently and then the old man and Alex burst through the door as if they had been trapped inside for hours but they are both smiling. Alex and I again grab each other’s hand and walk back down the dirt road as the sun is setting. Only problem is we are still not alone, the girl is still with us and she is holding his other hand. The dream shifts again and the three of us are sitting at a bistro table and the girl is trying on several pairs of funky sunglasses. The type of glasses you would see Elton John wearing back in his disco days or the kind of sunglasses I would wear in general. They all looked ridiculous on her and I blatantly point out, “Those glasses would look better on me.” Alex says to her, “Why don’t you just wear a pair of normal glasses instead of something that isn’t you?”

The dream shifts one last time and we are in the house I grew up in back in Yakima. Alex and I are sitting in my bathroom talking and I walk out to the living room to find the girl there again, sitting in my great grandfather’s rocking chair. Only this time she is different, she has shoulder length blond hair and is quite pretty. She is angry with me and asking me, “How could you take him from me?” I sat down on the ottoman and while eating a banana I apologized and then began to explain how you don’t condemn or give up on the people you love.

Dream #7:

Alex was very angry with me in this dream. He gave back all the trinkets and love tokens I had ever given him or bought for him; including things I had never seen before or even bought yet! He handed back the ring and a pair of underwear. I asked why he was giving me these briefs back and he said, “Because my dad wouldn’t like them!” He handed me a pair of bright red shoes that I had only been thinking about buying but were not even in existence yet! “Can’t we talk about this?!” I asked. “Why don’t you grow up!” he yelled; Alex never yells. Then in a calmer tone he said, “We’ll talk about it later.” And he went off to get stoned with his friends.

Dream #8:

I was standing in a dark room with nothing but a desk, I saw a vision of Alex standing in a doorway in front of me reaching out with his blank stare. My attention was then drawn to a cordless phone on the floor that was ringing and the face of the phone was bright orange. I could not read the caller ID. I looked up and Alex was gone and in his place stood an ugly old woman with frizzy grey hair. She took me to a strange room full of people making sacrifices and wearing strange clothes. This place was very uncomfortable and icky feeling. This woman has shown up several times in my dreams lately, this is the first dream with Alex where she has interacted with me.

Dream #5:

I was building a beautiful rosewood four post bed and Alex showed up to say, “HI.” He fell into me and moaned like he used to when he received a good hug from me. I asked him if he wanted to hang out later that night and he freaked out and ran away.

Dream #6:

I showed up at Alex’s apartment and Katie ran up to me and said, “Khrystina! Look at this ring I found on the hallway floor!”

I took it and realized it was the black onyx ring I had given to Alex the first week we started dating. I continued down the hall and went into Alex’s room and saw four beds. Each bed represented each of the new boys that Alex was to live with in the new house. The couch bed was Joe, the fancy four post bed was Ramon, the black race car bed was Aaron and the red race car bed was Alex. I walked over to his desk to place the ring on it and noticed a couple of my candle holders, my Star of David necklace and several other of my trinkets sitting there. I set the ring down amongst the trinkets and laid down on the floor for a nap until he got home. When I woke up the beds were still there, so I went outside and got into a little blue truck and drove to a bar where he said hjm and Eli would be for a show. I got there and sent him several text messages letting him know where I was. With no reply I looked all over the venue for him. I saw several people who looked like him but alas were not. I went back to my truck and drove back to the apartment, his room was empty. Everything was gone except his desk, chair and his phone was in the middle of the floor. I scrolled through it to make sure I had not been deleted. The text messages I sent were unread and only my number showed up. I went through his address book and I was still there…

Dream #3:

Alex and I met up at our favorite bar and drank and talked; as usual I did most of the talking and he stared at me with this blank stoic look (this is a look that would repeat itself throughout many dreams to come). When we walked out of the bar it looked as if we had been there all night because it was daylight when we left. The area reminded me of Yakima, my home town, because it was dry wasteland and in the middle of nowhere. We ended up at a bus stop and I listened to a woman complain about the bus being late.

I turned to her and said, “It’s Sunday! The buses run every half hour.”

As the dream shifted we were back at his apartment (which looks like a hotel room) and I was talking to his friend Kyle on a bed in the first room which was adjacent to the kitchen. Kyle was crying and talking to me about an old girlfriend and said, “I remember when I used to make her really happy!”

I hugged him and said over his shoulder, “Like the way I used to make Alex happy?” I turned back over my shoulder and saw Alex staring at us with a blank face, and then I went back to comforting Kyle. When I looked back, Alex had shut one of two doors to his bedroom. I got up and walked through the door on my left and saw our friend Eva sitting on the floor. I tackled her and we laughed and listened to his loud drunk friend screaming obscenities and listening to Jonny Craig in the back ground. Eva looked at Alex and asked, “Why are you listening to this music?” Alex got up and walked away.

Dream #4:

Alex and I were driving around the countryside of Yakima after a night out, he was silent and the same blank stare as usual. We stopped off at a friend’s house and met up with Katie and Aaron. I said to Katie, “Hey, let me know when you’re heading over to their place and I’ll meet you there.”

Aaron was laughing hysterically like he was high on something and Katie just nodded in confirmation.

Dream #1:

I was walking through a crowd of people with some friends and Alex showed up walking past me wearing his cut off jeans, black beanie cap and black under shirt. He walked up to me and kissed me in the crowd and then began to walk away. “I’ll see you again,” I said. Later in the dream I was carrying a fluffy white dog to a dog show and friends followed behind me. I was just about to cross a bridge when I saw Alex walking toward me. He was wearing a stone grey suit, matching wide brimmed hat, mauve scarf and his white jazz shoes. When he saw me standing in front of him he gasped and turned to run, stopped short and came back to kiss me. As he walked away I said, “I told you I would see you again!” And I proceeded to cross the bridge still caring the dog.

Dream #2:

Alex went away for Thanksgiving, went back to Idaho to visit his family. Katie came to me a couple days before Alex was to come back to Seattle and said, “Aaron died in a car crash and Alex doesn’t know yet.” Alex came home, but I never got to see his reaction when we told him what happened.

Most people see 13 as an unlucky number, not in Jewish tradition and I feel blessed to have had this many dreams about Alex since we broke up. Not all the dreams were good, in the beginning most were negative premonitions (not verbatim but metaphorical) and most have come to pass. Now I am waiting to when the good dreams will happen. Here is the beginning of my dream journal that I’ve been keeping for the past 3 months. If you feel so inclined to tell me what you think the dream means, then by all means feel free to do so. Thanks for reading!